It irritates me to no end when my day starts out happy as can be but then the longer I am awake, it turns to shit.

I woke up today after being pissed off at my computer last night. I was changing out my hard drives and it wouldn't recognize it. So, this morning, I actually turned on ALL of my lights so I could actually see inside the damned thing. At that point, I realized how much of a dumb fucking blond I truly am. Yes, I have black hair, but I dye it that color. Natural color has always been blond.

Anyways. I figured out that the cable for my hard drives had came unplugged from my motherboard. I plugged it back in and was the happiest I could be. It started up without me having to reinstall the OS on it. So, I have all of my things on my computer still that I wanted on there. I even got to install my Maplestory on it without hesitation.

That was the great part about today, so far. Now, once I leave my bedroom is when it starts to turn to a day of fail. I come into my mother's bedroom because her computer is currently the one with internet. So, of course, I get on it. Starts off Okay but then once I get on dA is when it really starts to fail.

I come onto the chats only to find out that my dAmn Colors aren't working. Yes, it ticked me off a bit. Actually tried to refresh a couple times but it still wouldn't work. So I gave up. I know, it wasn't just I who had the problem with the colors.

So, then I read my deviations and decide to feature one in a chat room that I'm a part of. I go to put it up in the topic and I completely fail. It actually took me 5 tries to get it right. I felt like even more of a dumb blond.

Once I got myself situated, however, I decided to start up my bot. Great at first. Once I try to get it to join the chat rooms I normally have it in, it would join, then end up quiting. I was furious at this point. I tried at least 5 times to get the damned thing running smoothly. I ended up having to have it join only one chat room before it would actually stay running. From there, however, I got it to join the other chats without leaving again.

So, once I get everything situated on the computer, I want to turn the tv on as well. Of course, the remote is usually right next to the computer. I look, but can't find it. Joy. Another thing for me to bitch about. My dad had it last and I have no clue what he did with it. Now I have to actually quit being lazy to change the channels. D:

My only thought as of right now is that I hope my entire day does not end up being a day of fail. I want it to turn back into a day of Win when it gets to the time for when I leave for the bar tonight. Karaoke is always a fun thing. Watching the drunk ass people try to read the words on the screen while the karaoke DJ fucks with their heads. Joy. The DJ loves his little toys.

Well, I suppose that that should be all for now. I might end up writing again tomorrow to tell you all about how my day ended. But that'll only be if it ends up pissing me off as much as it already has. Love you all. <3

Ok, so this journal is basically for my use only right now. I've found a few helpful CSS codes that I actually want to try out. I honestly have to thank =theverybadman for giving me such a wonderful gift as a 3 month subscription.

Our deal was that if he gave me a subscription that I would HAVE to add CSS to my journals. Well, again, this journal is purposely for my use in testing it out. I hope you all don't mind!

~Sadria

Okies, I decided that I should have a TOC for my book. I'll list the chapters here and also provide links to them for easier access to read it. Hope you enjoy it! (Each chapter is a link)

Contents:

Chapter One: A New Beginning

Chapter Two: Billy Baker & Bobby Marshall

Chapter Three: A New Life

Chapter Four: Friendships Begin

Chapter Five: Betrayal of Trust

Chapter Six: Missing Reports

Chapter Seven shall be coming soon. (Once I find my little black binder which contains everything for the story....)

Bleh.....
Why does life always have to kick you in the ass when you're most vulnerable? Why do I have to fucking feel all the pain that I do? Why can't I just live life normally and actually be happy?

Everyone always thinks that I'm happy, but what they don't know.... is that it's all an act. I've been holding in all the hurt and pain my whole life... and I think I'm finally getting ready to just crack. It's going to all spill out and it will not be a pretty sight. I've already been broken, but somehow managed to keep it all inside. I'm not sure if I can do that any longer.

Those who see me most will probably see a change in everything that I do. I won't be smiling anymore.. I won't be cheerful. I'll just seem dead to the world which is what I should be... Dead. I'll most likely be expressionless and it will seem like I just don't give a shit... because once I do finally crack, I won't give a shit. I know that I'm starting to crack, because normal things that I should care about, I just... honestly, I just don't care.

Shit happens and whatever happens, of course, it happens. What's the point in caring if nothing ever goes your way or if it doesn't even makes you happy like it should? Yes, I have been drinking today... not a good thing either, but luckily, I didn't drink myself into a coma like I wanted. Vodka is my best friend, but no one could ever figure that out. Well, now you know because I jsut told you.

No one knows how I think or what I think about. Half the time I find myself thinking things that I really shouldn't. It just... makes things worse when I sit down and think. My mind wanders. It starts at what I wanted to happen that day, then it continues on to what did happen, and then the worst possible thing that could happen. It all ends in my death, and oddly, it does bring a smile to my face sometimes, but most the time, I just break down and cry.

My crying is not a good thing either. Those of you who have seen me cry know why. It leaves me even more vulnerable and tempted to just end my life right then and there. Half the time, I have to hide my razor from me, just so that I won't. Another reason why my drinking is bad. If I can't find my razor and I do have alcohol in the house, I'll drink and drink, not caring whether or not I get alcohol poisoning and die. Basically, that's the whole reason why I don't stop drinking once I start. I wish for my death the drunker I get, and I'm actually not in a stable state of mind where I can prevent myself from killing myself.

I just wanted to let all of you in on this. I doubt that anyone even fucking knew. But, now I'm letting you all know. Maybe next time I do actually ask for help (which is very very rare), maybe you people will remember this.... and actually try to help. No, this is not for attention. I really do need help. This has been going on for quite a few years now, and... I know that some of you do not want to be attending my funeral anytime soon. So, please, next time I ask for someone to be there for me, I really mean it and need it. Is it too much to ask? I hope not......

~*~Suddenly Sad Sadria*~*

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